Extremely Offensive Jokes


Extremely Offensive Jokes

Charlie Sheen has Aids…..he got it from being in two and a half men.

When I was crossing the border, a customs agent asked me if there were any drugs or weapons in my car. “Yeah, what do you need?” I replied

I can’t believe Scientology is calling itself a religion. You’re not a real religion until you’re responsible for at least a million deaths

is trending… Yeah I’ll be praying alright …praying she makes another sex tape.

A new study shows that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

It can be extremely difficult to have sex when you’re disabled…. …by pepper spray and a kick in the balls

Fallout 4 doesn’t come out in Japan until Dec. 17th… Which is fair because they got the original fallout 70 years before us

It’s my birthday today and my wife said I can have anything I want tonight… Her ass will be red raw tomorrow Mexican for dinner.

I tried my first Irish cream after church today. Or at least, that’s what Father O’ Brien calls it.

My wife called me “Where the fuck are you!” Me: “I’m at the bar” Her: “I think the baby’s coming!” Me: “She won’t get in, shes under-age”

I woke up this morning with a huge stiffy. My obese wife had died in her sleep.

I lost my virginity in a sleeping bag. It was awful! I couldn’t even move, I was all sweaty, and the scout master was covering my mouth

I saw a 4 y/o girl alone “R u okay?” I asked her. “Do u know where ur Mommy or Daddy are?” “No” she sobbed I love my job at the orphanage

I don’t have sex with my sister because it’s unacceptable and gross. I have sex with her because it’s kinky

My wife and kids are no longer with me and it’s all because of gambling. I won a shit ton of money and moved to Florida

What’s better than stretching your ear lobe to 3 inches? A job.

An abortion is just like a 50″ LCD TV. He wants one, she doesn’t.

Just found out my girlfriend is pregnant, so I decided to propose. “Will you make me the happiest man on earth, or will you keep the baby?”

My girlfriend suggested we try vegetables in the bedroom. It was fun but they kept drooling all over the sheets.

In my spare time I like to smear dog shit on braille signs.

Gay guy: “Would you like to go in the back and make out?” Me: “Nah fuck that shit” And that was my first mistake…

My grandfather was on The Titanic. And as far as I know, he still is.

My friend asked, “Why is it always the good looking women that go missing?” I replied, “Because I have standards.”

I have found the ideal way to find the perfect mother-in-law. I only date orphans.

Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, “When I was little…”?

I told my date I was close to my mother. She said, “I can tell.” “Really?” I asked. “How?” She replied, “She’s giving you a hand job”

Women come to me, I have sex with them and then I’m paid for my services. It’s not all fun and games being an undertaker.

Rape. Just like normal sex, but with a winner.

America’s fattest man has died. The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

I got a lovely Father’s Day card this morning… You learn something new every day.

Did you know Kurt Cobain had Dandruff? They found his Head & Shoulders behind the couch.

What’s the hardest thing about having sex with a 12 year old girl? Getting the blood off the clown costume

On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

I suspect my daughter is a lesbian. She never seems to enjoy sucking my cock.

A friend of mine can get a girl’s panties all wet just by buying her a drink at the bar… Wish I had Parkinson’s.

I went to see a sick friend in hospital earlier… I found him in the morgue masturbating.

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn’t approve of my improper use of the colon.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with. “11″ I replied Her: “Wow! You must be a player” “No” I said, “I’m their coach”

How do Orphans celebrate Mother’s Day? By crying themselves to sleep.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness has never paid for an abortion

I asked my son if I could write on his cast… I like to sign my work.

My wife said she’d like another baby… …I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

My daughter’s pet lamb died today. The grieving process was delicious.

I bought a Rape Alarm the other day. I’m always forgetting to rape someone.

Women really love surprises. Like this one I’m watching from the bushes. She’s about to get laid, and she doesn’t even know it yet.

In a moving tribute to his late mother, Prince William has announced the name of the new baby Princess. Mercedes

The orphanage I run burned down today with the lives of 60 children lost. Thank God I don’t have to tell their parents.

Common sense is like AIDS. Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

I walked past a rape victim support group the other day, What a great idea: keeping all the easy targets together.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese.

What’s the difference between love and herpes? Herpes lasts forever.

I’m now proud to announce that I am no longer a pedophile after 4 years of name calling and disgusting looks. My fiancée turned 16 today.

I met this sexy woman at the club last night, it took me ages to get her in the sack.. Gotta remember to use a bigger sack for grown women

What’s the difference between a Muslim and a vegetarian? The Muslim has the decency to blow himself up for being a cunt.

According to my new fitness smart watch, I’ve masturbated for 4 miles

My town’s having a meeting at the school tonight about the local pedophile & the plans to deal with him. I must be the only one not invited

I didn’t feel I could say much when I caught my son masturbating. To be fair, neither of us should’ve been in his sister’s wardrobe.

Everyone values honesty, until they have an ugly baby

The lady told me to make myself at home, so I shotgunned a bottle of wine, masturbated then cried myself to sleep. Best job interview ever!

My 13 y/o daughter tried to prank me with the “Daddy I’m pregnant” on April Fools.. As if I’d fall for that one, I always use protection.

I’ve been banned from going to this years Easter Egg Hunt. Last year I painted my balls yellow and hid in a bush.

What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.

“I don’t do anal. No matter what you pay” said the prostitute as we started to undress. I replied “You’re the worst rent boy I’ve ever had”

I’m a man stuck in a woman’s body. Rigor Mortis set in earlier than I thought.

Got my family banned from Family Feud. I was asked “describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote” “ARE YOU READY KIDS” wasn’t acceptable

Just used up my data allowance for the month… That’s the last time I download a picture of Adele.

I can get 2 ring donuts on my flaccid penis. Idk how many I can get on my erect penis cos the staff at Dunkin Donuts are fucking ugly

I’ve been teaching my daughter self-defense. She’s not a fast learner. I’ve managed to rape her three times already this week

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Which is more important, length or girth? Turns out it’s consent.

I often have sexual fantasies about a girl I met at school, though I’m a happily married man. Am I a bad husband? Or just a bad teacher?

I could spend hours watching The Walking Dead, but sometimes my grandparents need their alone time.

How to get rich: 1. Marry an anorexic. 2. Get your wife life insurance. 3. Keep telling your wife she’s fat.

Her: “You do realize that if I get married I won’t suck your cock as much, don’t you?” Me: “Yes mom, I know”

I was fucking this older woman when she said, “You know, you remind me of my son.” I said, “Let’s not make this weird, grandma.”

My daughter’s reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. Just today she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”

I was planning to go to a Safe Sex convention today, but I pulled out at the last minute.

My son came to me crying & said, “Dad, when you’re at work Uncle Dave touches me.” Couldn’t believe it.. My own son, a fucking snitch

There’s nothing like flowers on Valentines Day to remind your girl that eventually her beauty will fade and you’ll be forced to trash her.

I just bought my epileptic girlfriend a few small gifts for Valentine’s Day. Nothing too flashy.

So I gunned down 45 innocent people at the mall for my girlfriend this morning. Turns out she wanted Valentines Day mascara.

My Grandma caught me furiously masturbating once and had a stroke… Such soft hands

I’ll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Obviously not 8 because my basement is still dark.

I came all over a picture of Selena Gomez today. My wife wasn’t too happy though. It was on my daughter’s birthday cake

I read in the paper today about a Dad who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted. What kind of daughter charges her own Dad?

Jesus says he loves me… But I worry about the age gap.

My wife hasn’t spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding. He’s not happy about it either.

Me and my wife have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy’s face after he turns 12.

What´s better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.

Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek? They don’t work in the future, either.

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, “Please, think of my children!” Kinky bitch.

What’s so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You just KNOW she’ll swallow.

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night… I wanted my first time to be special.

So I was balls deep in this guy thrusting as hard as I could when I reached around to give him a hand job. Guess what? That fucker had an erection. What A Queer!

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None… he fell.

What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? I don’t cry when I’m cutting up the hooker.

My wife has the body of a 16 year old school girl. She keeps it in the fridge.

I like my women like I like my shoes… 10 and a half and tied up

Why is it okay to kill a goat but the second you have sex with it, it’s animal cruelty?

I was watching a violent movie when my wife came & grabbed the remote “I don’t wanna see any blood” Me: “Then give me the fucking remote”

My New Years Resolution: To have more sex. Haven’t told my cellmate yet though.

I just broke up with this cross-eyed chick. I thought she was seeing someone else.

My 12 year old son was pissed off at me cause I told him how the film he was watching ended… I was right tho, he did cum on her face

I really wish I hadn’t gone out last night dressed as Santa. Now everybody thinks he’s a rapist.

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? A: 0

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating…..He asks him, “Daddy what are you doing?”…..His dad responds, “Don’t worry son, you’ll be doing it soon.”    The boy then asks, “Why’s that daddy?”          His dad answers, “Because my arms getting tired..”

What’s black and sits at the top of the stairs? Steven Hawkins in a house fire.

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